Remote Controller.

6:30 a.m Today will be a good day. I will make it one. It is my Friday, I have aweome, healthy children and a great husband. Most of the time. Part of the time. If only I could pause, play, rewind and fastforward these moments of chaos, to grasp a moment of joy, a moment of truth or a moment of valor.
I suppose that is was you cling to when you are caught in the storm of motherhood depression. When you are scrambling to get ready for work, the boys are yelling and throwing cereal across the room, the dog and cats are eating it and will get diarrhea, and your husband is snoozing away while you are making his coffee. You want to scream and shout "I have needs too!!"

Pause. Rewind to 2 nights ago and the 3 whole minutes "Alvin", your eldest, started cleaning up without being asked, then you played 'Ring around the Rosy' with both of them until you got so dizzy you actually did fall down. All the while, their little laughs sprinkling joy into the bottom of your soul. Then you sat there, listening to your youngest, "Theodore", telling you all about colors and shapes and counting to 15. And you realize your hard work with "school-time" is paying off.

Fastforward
"Ahhhhh... Troll in the dungeon" SPLAT. Dear god, not my antique 1925 George P Bent Concert Grand Piano! Clean. Chastise. Coffee. Remember. Replay. 'He can clean, and will.'  Little minds are learning. Developing. Soaking in your attitude, mannerisms and learning how to react to disappointment, anger, frustration. Don't yell. Explain. They aren't hearing me!! Why are they not hearing me. Running amuck furniture and the house like feral, bounding puppies. 'Ring around the Rosy' Grasp their attention, but how? Why isn't Simon awake? Oh, coffee. That is it! "Boys, help me make daddy's coffee" I have an audience now. Whew. How long will this last? 'Pockets full of posies' "I press the button" "No me do it' I do it' SMACK. "Ouchiee!!" SMACK. "Don't fight!! Don't hit each other!"  'Ashes, ashes' I do it. I press the button and 2 violent tantrums erupt, drowning out the hum of the water pump beginning to brew. Alvin hits Theodore. Theodore cries and hits back. I separate them. "Other rooms." I tell them. Both crying in opposite rooms, I walk Simon his coffee. Quietly sit and finish my now frigid, stale coffee. 'We all fall down.'

Pause. Today will be a good day. I will make it one. I have healthy, awesome boys and a great husband. Most of the time. Part of the time. Sometimes.

Thursday Morning Blues

7:11 a.m. 3/4 a cup of coffee to go. Now is when one of the cats decides she is STARVING. Shit. I hear the toddler stirring. Quick, chug! 1/2 cup of coffee to go. Cat food in bowl. Open door, let 2 more cats in. Better plug my straightener in. Or do I want a shower? "Mommy. Mommy." Crying. Straightener and body spray it is.

7:13 a.m. Dear god it is awake and 

demanding snacks. Chug. 1/4 cup. Snacks opened and I have appeased the beast for 2.5 seconds. 

7:13.30 a.m. Yes dear, that IS a purple heart snack, and yes, that is a white one! Good job on your colors. I have lost the ability to chug my coffee. I am sad. "What is this momma?" "It is a heart sna.. whoa whoa. Drop it. I don't know what that is." I forgot to sweep last night. Quickly sweep.

7:17 a.m. It is demanding more snacks. I attempt to redirect to cereal. "Yeah! I want snacks AND cereal. I do it. I do it!" Sure, anything, just please stop climbing on me. You are wet. In the kitchen "No cereal. I want snacks." No snacks. It cries. Loudly.

7:22 a.m. Cereal on table. It is glaring at me. My coffee is cold. Disgustingly cold. I should probably be getting dressed. But the preschooler is now stirring. And now the beast is requesting Little Einsteins. T.V or schoolbooks? Crap, I still need to study. He wants up. Nevermind, he wants my chair.

7:27 a.m. I forgot the diaper. Thank god I didn't get dressed. "No, you may not have more 'stupid' snacks. That is an icky word. Stop kicking the table." It cries. Louder.

7:30 a.m. Crunchtime. Crap. Work clothes are in the dryer. Across the backyard in the laundry room. It is storming. Who the hell designed the house this way? 1/4 cup of coffee still. So very very cold.

7:37 a.m. 1/2 dressed. Husbands coffee made. I have given up on mine. Where is my bra? It is crying. It wants up. I hug it. Thinking about stealing husband's coffee.

7:40 a.m. Bangs straightened. Where the hell is one of the 5 brushes I own? Messy bun. Found my bra. (Under the pile of 15 wrappers from the snacks I gorged myself on before bed.) Fully dressed. Preschooler still sleeping? Not sure if that is a good thing or bad thing. Toddler wants more snacks, up and down, more cereal and his cat. 

7:45 a.m. Time to warm up car. Toddler attempts to follow, despite my instructions not to leave the house.  His feet get cold & starts crying. Cringe. Start ancient car, grab toddler and run inside. Dry feet. Give hug & kiss. Place toddler on daddy. 

7:47 a.m. Work keys. He wants up. Again. And is crying. Again. Cold coffee not settling well. I may vomit. I'd better not be pregnant. Preschooler up and happily watching Einsteins. I engage. He wants candy. I should not have engaged.

7:55 a.m. Almost out the door. The beast cries and tries to kick the dog. I chastise. Shit, I forgot to feed the dog.

8:00 a.m. Dog fed, in my car. Bluetooth radio. "Shovels & Rope." Daddy's shift now. No crying, no wantings, no needings to be met. Drive. 

8:05 a.m. "Evil" on radio. I stop begind a car with 'baby on board' in window. I see a little hand pop up and miss my boys little hands. Teary-eyed. I should have held him longer. I should have hugged them harder. "I'm a dead dog lying on the sidewalk." Yes. Yes I am. Note to self: Be a better mom. Get back in your lane fuckface! 

8:26 a.m. At work with 4 minutes to spare. Thankfully I am at our slow location today. I can study.

*I love my kids. I jokingly call them "it, beast, monster, stink" and a slew of other endearing terms. This is my attempt at a new coping mechanism for the petty frustrations of everyday that coagulate into a large clot of shittiness before it reaches my heart & brain.